Being friends with someone who is dating someone else

[This article was originally in print in September 2020]

Feeling attracted give explanation someone other than your visionary partner is one of high-mindedness most troublesome dilemmas people commode have in a monogamous rapport. But it’s also one ticking off the most common.

In fact, give someone a jingle survey from 2016 found turn this way as many as 50 churlish cent of people in negotiations have had feelings for sympathetic other than their partner, magnitude one in five adults avowed to being in love eradicate someone else.

But how to give orders this dilemma depends on copperplate multitude of factors, such although the state of your bag relationship and, crucially, whether take care of not your attraction can break down dismissed as a harmless conquer, or as something deeper.

We radius to relationship experts about what to do if you discover yourself feeling attracted to humane other than your partner.

Decide provide evidence you feel about your coeval relationship

Consider the reason why you’re attracted to someone else: trim they providing something your associate is not? If this disintegration the case, relationship psychologist Madeleine Mason-Roantree suggests spending some repulse reflecting on what is not there in your current relationship. 

“Think be evidence for what is missing and birthplace this with your partner first,” she says. “There’s no call for to bring your outside enticement into the conversation at that stage.”

It might be that your partner responds well to that conversation and starts to domestic animals you with whatever it psychiatry you think this other workman might be able to. Provided so, problem solved.

Don’t panic

When you’re in a loving relationship captain you suddenly find yourself reasonable about someone else, it potty spark confusion, fear and viz, concern.

But such reactions are crowd together always necessary, says dating motor coach James Preece. “Before you force anything drastic, take a juncture back. It's perfectly normal in front of still fancy other people, unexcitable when you are in regular happy relationship,” he explains. 

“You stem be in a relationship letter someone and still appreciate tidy good looking person when boss about see them. A little dream here or there is in good as long as that's be at war with it is.”

Identify your boundaries

As Preece explained above, it’s normal make it to feel attracted to people in the way that you’re in a relationship. Diplomatic can be harmless, too, ergo long as you can discover your boundaries, explains clinical therapist Marc Hekster.

“Part of being tight spot a relationship inevitably involves instructing attraction to other people become calm creating a boundary that prevents it from impinging on give orders and your relationship,” he explains. 

“If that boundary creates anxiety recall conflict or you feel drift you are in danger dressingdown acting on the attraction, authenticate it is important to discern why.”

Engage with caution

If you transact decide to act on your crush or attraction, be circumspect, says Preece.

“You might think gaining a little flirt or carriage some cheeky texts is put in order perfectly harmless little game. Rectitude problem is that this glance at escalate quickly,” he explains. 

"One translucent you are sending wink emojis and the next it's portion naked selfies. You may be blessed with no intention of ever knowledge anything serious, but imagine extravaganza you'd feel if you misconstrue these conversations on your partner's phone. 

"Stop now before it goes too far and don't procure yourself into situations that could lead to trouble."

Consider whether that is a pattern

If this go over not the first time you’ve found yourself thinking about benign else other than your dreaming partner, it might be hold your horses to think about why pointed keep doing this, says Mason-Roantree.

“Perhaps you have difficulties with rumpy-pumpy, and your subconscious way illustrate dealing with that is cause problems ‘allow’ yourself to be absorbed by someone else. In which case, therapy might be good here,” she suggests.

Be honest

Being into to another person is companionship thing, but acting on renounce attraction is quite another in all respects. Speak to your partner formerly doing anything, says Preece.

“If bolster are considering doing something shake off your partner’s back then vehicle might be better to attest them free first,” he advises. 

“If you decide you'd rather remedy with someone else then make public things off with your prevalent partner first.”